hagar
Sometimes when I am trying to link to my blog, I don't wait for the whole address to come up, so I end up on this page. It's only happened a few times, and I think it's funny since THIS IS NOT THE HAGAR STORY I AM TRYING TO TELL.
what story am I telling? I am not in the mood these days to tell (I typed "try" by mistake) my story or anyone else's for that matter. I started the blog as a way of doing creative activism in my community. I kept hearing from the few Iraqi lefties I know that there are no other left- leaning Iraqis in Michigan. I did not believe it was true. I just assumed and still do that we just don't know one another. I also did not think that I would make it a very personal or intimate blog since I was not going to GO THERE. I have a few times. I've also been tempted to take down those posts. I haven't. I still might.
I know I have not created a narrative or even a clear pix of who I am but clarity is not always good, and I am not looking for clarity, lucidity, easy answers to questions I cannot answer & have never been good at answering. I wanted to get personal since there is some comfort in the guise of anonymity; however, I have told some folks, friends mostly, about my blog and now I wish I had told NO ONE I know personally, so that I won't be so self-conscious about writing. I doubt anyone I know has time to look and read my blog or any blogs to closely.
I am sick of myself. sick of my worrying over the stupidiest things. I have so many deadlines right now-mostly writing deadlines. I have two conferences to attend soon. ASA and the Syracuse U's feminism and war. I have to write that paper and finish an impt application (with a fast approaching deadline), and I am in full avoidance mode but with none of the enjoyment. My writing anxiety is making me so exhausted, or maybe I am coming down with a cold. whatever it is, I am stressing instead of writing. Notice that I write in my blog when I have other writing that is more pressing? If I did not have writing deadlines then I wouldn't even be doing this writing but I am a writer right?
no, I am not that Viking in the cartoon, but sometimes I do feel like a bufoon, a fool, a cartoon cardboard non-entity who needs to figure out that I should quit advising other people about what to do since I need advice. I need to get my act together.
My application is very important to me. I have to address some personal issues and I don't want to go there. I don't want anyone to read what the hell I am going to say there. then I am waffling about saying any of it at all. I should just go for the straightforward and boring approach to my intentions, skills, interests.
anyway, back to it.
you don't know what the hell I am talking about and have your own life to worry about.
on with it.
what story am I telling? I am not in the mood these days to tell (I typed "try" by mistake) my story or anyone else's for that matter. I started the blog as a way of doing creative activism in my community. I kept hearing from the few Iraqi lefties I know that there are no other left- leaning Iraqis in Michigan. I did not believe it was true. I just assumed and still do that we just don't know one another. I also did not think that I would make it a very personal or intimate blog since I was not going to GO THERE. I have a few times. I've also been tempted to take down those posts. I haven't. I still might.
I know I have not created a narrative or even a clear pix of who I am but clarity is not always good, and I am not looking for clarity, lucidity, easy answers to questions I cannot answer & have never been good at answering. I wanted to get personal since there is some comfort in the guise of anonymity; however, I have told some folks, friends mostly, about my blog and now I wish I had told NO ONE I know personally, so that I won't be so self-conscious about writing. I doubt anyone I know has time to look and read my blog or any blogs to closely.
I am sick of myself. sick of my worrying over the stupidiest things. I have so many deadlines right now-mostly writing deadlines. I have two conferences to attend soon. ASA and the Syracuse U's feminism and war. I have to write that paper and finish an impt application (with a fast approaching deadline), and I am in full avoidance mode but with none of the enjoyment. My writing anxiety is making me so exhausted, or maybe I am coming down with a cold. whatever it is, I am stressing instead of writing. Notice that I write in my blog when I have other writing that is more pressing? If I did not have writing deadlines then I wouldn't even be doing this writing but I am a writer right?
no, I am not that Viking in the cartoon, but sometimes I do feel like a bufoon, a fool, a cartoon cardboard non-entity who needs to figure out that I should quit advising other people about what to do since I need advice. I need to get my act together.
My application is very important to me. I have to address some personal issues and I don't want to go there. I don't want anyone to read what the hell I am going to say there. then I am waffling about saying any of it at all. I should just go for the straightforward and boring approach to my intentions, skills, interests.
anyway, back to it.
you don't know what the hell I am talking about and have your own life to worry about.
on with it.
posted by DangerousDerrida at Monday, October 09, 2006
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6 Comments:
Don't I know that feeling--avoidance without enjoyment. It's the worst. Good luck with your deadlines.
In these situations the straightforward, 'boring', non-personal, 'workmanlike' approach really is best. And I don't like reading 'creative' application letters anyway: the information on what the person can actually do, and actually wants to do, is buried amid the effusiveness.
I'm auditing a class on linguistics and humanities computing, and I find myself envying people who are really in that field. It seems so objective, one could keep on working and producing even while every other subjective roof is crashing down.
Is it like emptiness inside someone inner self? while he or she has million of things to do, and what make things worse that these million of things are there with a deadline. Emptiness is caused by a feeling sometimes that a person is tired of keeping on doing the same thing all over and over again. Sometimes this emptiness in the middle of a person's busy life is caused by the fact that this person is not been able to find a companion, someone who can share with very special things.
In short, find something more interesting to yourself to be occupied with. This will give a lot of energy, even in the day to day life taks
Good luck and from my heart I wish you success
Mixmax, perhaps it's not so much about a life partner, but keeping the connection with self. In academia, one is supposed to be creative, but at the same time, one must satisfy very exacting and sometimes off-the-point criteria set by others. The resulting alienation, from too much focus on satisfying xyz standards, can result in loss of enjoyment, etc...
Anyway nayj, do you actually know Tasneem Khalil? I got fascinated by his blog (linked to your site), and then his friends' blogs (linked to his), but now his blog has disappeared. It may be that the domain name hasn't been paid for, but the first thing I thought was, hmmm, something happened to him. Would you know?
There's only one way to breathe underwater, with help. You cannot panic and feel the weight of the entire ocean collapsing your chest, close you eyes and breathe slowly, but first you need to find that oxygen tank. For some it is this writing for others it is the Hagar cartoon that puts the absurdity in full view and lets us laugh at how nonsensical our sickness is. I know you but not the person writing. I know the actor but not the character on stage. Good luck at the ‘Cuse
HI!
And I like this line:
"clarity is not always good"
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