Sometimes when I am trying to link to my blog, I don't wait for the whole address to come up, so I end up on this page. It's only happened a few times, and I think it's funny since THIS IS NOT THE HAGAR STORY I AM TRYING TO TELL.
what story am I telling? I am not in the mood these days to tell (I typed "try" by mistake) my story or anyone else's for that matter. I started the blog as a way of doing creative activism in my community. I kept hearing from the few Iraqi lefties I know that there are no other left- leaning Iraqis in Michigan. I did not believe it was true. I just assumed and still do that we just don't know one another. I also did not think that I would make it a very personal or intimate blog since I was not going to GO THERE. I have a few times. I've also been tempted to take down those posts. I haven't. I still might.
I know I have not created a narrative or even a clear pix of who I am but clarity is not always good, and I am not looking for clarity, lucidity, easy answers to questions I cannot answer & have never been good at answering. I wanted to get personal since there is some comfort in the guise of anonymity; however, I have told some folks, friends mostly, about my blog and now I wish I had told NO ONE I know personally, so that I won't be so self-conscious about writing. I doubt anyone I know has time to look and read my blog or any blogs to closely.
I am sick of myself. sick of my worrying over the stupidiest things. I have so many deadlines right now-mostly writing deadlines. I have two conferences to attend soon. ASA and the Syracuse U's feminism and war. I have to write that paper and finish an impt application (with a fast approaching deadline), and I am in full avoidance mode but with none of the enjoyment. My writing anxiety is making me so exhausted, or maybe I am coming down with a cold. whatever it is, I am stressing instead of writing. Notice that I write in my blog when I have other writing that is more pressing? If I did not have writing deadlines then I wouldn't even be doing this writing but I am a writer right?
no, I am not that Viking in the cartoon, but sometimes I do feel like a bufoon, a fool, a cartoon cardboard non-entity who needs to figure out that I should quit advising other people about what to do since I need advice. I need to get my act together.
My application is very important to me. I have to address some personal issues and I don't want to go there. I don't want anyone to read what the hell I am going to say there. then I am waffling about saying any of it at all. I should just go for the straightforward and boring approach to my intentions, skills, interests.
anyway, back to it.
you don't know what the hell I am talking about and have your own life to worry about.
on with it.
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